by Martha Kempner 

The debate over same-sex marriage has gotten a lot of attention this month as a District Court Judge ruled that California’s Proposition 8, under which that state’s voters decided to ban same-sex marriage, was unconstitutional and a panel of other judges ordered a stay on same-sex weddings until further court decisions could be made. 

One of the groups responsible for Prop 8, www.protectmarriage.com, explains its objections to such relationships by saying:  “Traditional marriage is the foundation of society and has served our state well for centuries. California’s constitutional marriage amendment exists to strengthen society, encourage monogamous and loving marriages and to provide the optimal environment to ensure the well being of children.”  Reading that, I had to wonder if anyone in this group has ever asked children what they think about same-sex marriage.  Not their own children, of course, they will have heard too much at the dinner table, and not even necessarily the children of same-sex parents who will undoubtedly defend their families, but, say, your average class of three-year-olds.    

When my daughter started school last year, I wondered if she would notice that one of her fellow preschoolers had two mommies. 

I half-expected comments like “where’s Isabelle’s Daddy” or “how can somebody have two mommies.”  I didn’t think these comments would be judgmental, she would have had to learn that somewhere and I’ve made sure she hasn’t, but I was expecting curiosity—after all most of her friends, and certainly, most of the characters she sees on TV and in movies, have one of each.  But she said nothing for the first half of the year.  Then one day, she informed me, again without judgment, that Isabelle had two mommies and no daddies.  I said, “oh,” and waited for questions that didn’t come. 

Weeks later, she was similarly unfazed when we ran into the partner of an old friend of mine and his two-year old son.   In explaining how I knew these people, I told Charlie that I went to college with William’s other daddy.  Yet again, she said “oh,” and asked no further questions.

Not all kids react with quite as much nonchalance as Charlie.  In fact, I’m told that her friend Sophie was intensely jealous of the fact that Isabelle has two mommies and no daddies.  Much, I’m sure, to the disappointment of her father, Sophie thought that this was the ideal situation and was green with envy.  That is until one day when Sophie and her mother walked past a neighbor’s house in which two men are raising their two children.  Sophie had known these men and their children for many years and seemed not to think twice about their relationship, but that day something clicked.  She turned to her mother and said “So in that house there are two daddies and no mommies, yes?”  And with that, she realized that her situation wasn’t so bad after all and has never mentioned the jealousy of Isabelle and her two mommies again. 

I am thrilled that my daughter is growing up in an environment where all relationships are equally expected and accepted (it is, in fact, one of the reasons we chose this community).  I can see, however, how this kind of attitude can be easily corrupted.  While Charlie and her friends may be growing up in a community where same-sex families are common, they’re also growing up in a world where heterosexuality is the norm.
A recent play-date came literally to a screeching halt when Charlie tried to marry one of her friends.  You should know that in our house “marrying” means putting on a very fancy dress and occasionally some sort of head covering/veil and ballroom dancing with your partner. Over the past couple of years, we have had a lot of weddings in my living room as Disney has assured us that the wedding is the ultimate goal and, specifically, that dancing at the wedding is proof that the couple (always a man and a woman) will then live happily ever after.  For a while, Charlie always chose to marry daddy and when I asked she confirmed that is because he was the only boy.  With just a little prompting from me, however, she’s decided that she could expand her pool of marry/dance partners. She and my mother have married several times in recent months. (Should I be offended that she has yet to ask me?)  This friend, however, was still a little stuck on the Disney version of prince and princess and was slow to warm to the idea that two princesses could marry each other and dance if they so wished.  But she, too, came around with just a little prompting.

There are undoubtedly years of political and legal wrangling ahead of us on the issue of same-sex marriage as a small but extremely vocal minority will continue to fight against marriage equality.  I wish that these opponents and politicians would take a minute to listen to little children whose nonchalance on the issue screams volumes.  In the meantime, though, as parents, it is our job, at least initially, to foster this relaxed attitude of acceptance in our children because no matter where you live there will be an Isabelle with two mommies or a William with two daddies.  And, because we are raising not just the next generation of advocates and politicians, but the next generation of Disney executives and filmmakers – who knows, maybe our grandchildren will think nothing of watching two princesses sharing a wedding dance.