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by Martha Kempner The other day I saw a segment on a morning news show about a new book by Jenny Sanford, the wife of Mark Sanford. The tell-all detailed her experiences with her politician-husband’s sex scandal. The hosts commented that she was one of the few political wives who did not stand next to her husband as he gave his mea culpa press conference. The thing was, I couldn’t remember who Mark Sanford was, and I follow politics and scandals. He wasn’t the senator who allegedly solicited homosexual sex in an airport bathroom (that was Larry Craig), he wasn’t the governor who frequented an escort service despite his harsh stance on crime (that was Elliot Spitzer), and he wasn’t the former senator and vice presidential candidate who fathered a child outside of marriage while his wife was battling breast cancer (that was John Edwards). Clearly, there is no shortage of politicians and sex scandals these days but who was Mark Sanford?
I remember exactly three scandals from when I was a kid—there was Donna Rice (who was caught on a boat with Presidential hopeful Gary Hart), Fawn Hall (who shredded documents for Oliver North during the Iran-Contra scandal), and Jessica Hahn (who was paid off to keep quiet about her allegations that televangelist Jim Bakker raped her). But that was before 24 hour cable news and the mother (or father) of all scandals—the intern in the oval office.
Since then it seems like there’s a new one for the media to obsess over each month whether they involve a politician, an actor, or a professional athlete. In case you’ve been on an around-the-world boat trip or living under a rock for the last few months, the obsession of the moment is professional golfer Tiger Woods and his ever-expanding collection of extra-marital affairs.
As parents, especially parents of teens and tweens, we often wonder how much our children know about these current events and what we should tell them. I will venture to guess that if in the 80’s—before cable news and the internet—I was aware of the Donna Rice’s and Jessica Hahn’s of the world, kids today know something about most of these scandals, especially when they involve figures as familiar to them as Tiger Woods. As always, the best way to find out exactly what they know is to ask them. You can wait for an opening, like a magazine cover, a news story, or a PGA tournament, or you can just bring it up at dinner or in the car. Simple questions like “what have you heard?” are the best way to start a conversation. You can correct misinformation if they offer some, though, in truth, there’s always a lot of speculation in media reports on these issues and sometimes the exact facts are not that important.
What’s more important is to use the opportunity to share some of your values on marriage, family, civic duty, or whatever the scandal of the moment brings up. Again, it’s always a good idea to find out what your kids think first. Ask them what they think about Tiger having a lot of girlfriends even though he’s married and has two small children. How they think his wife must feel given all the attention and what they think she should do. And talk about his sponsors, should the drop him? What about the PGA tour, does this affect his standing as a golf legend? Let them give you their opinions and then slip yours in as well. It’s a great learning opportunity.
Letting your children lead these conversations is also an important way to figure out what’s age-appropriate and what are they ready to understand. There is no reason to give too much information—clearly, there were things in the Starr Report that were inappropriate for children. That said, some young people probably heard about cigars, Altoids, or the infamous blue dress—whether they overheard adults talking, caught a snippet of a talk show, or were told by a friend on the playground. Once you figure out what they know (or what they think they know), you have to use your best judgment to help them sort it out. Try using simple explanations (you can gloss over details if you want) instead of saying thing like “you’re too young to know that” or “I’ll tell you when you’re older.” Those are conversation stoppers and indicate that you’re not necessarily someone they can go to when they have other questions about sex. It can be tricky to explain adults’ bad behavior to kids, especially younger ones, but it’s always better than having them learn about it from the media, friends, or other less reliable sources.
By the way, Mark Sanford was the South Carolina governor who disappeared for five days and later admitted he’d been having an affair with a woman in Argentina. This is a good one for a conversation starter—even if you believe that extra-marital affairs are private issues, what do you do when they clearly affect somebody’s work performance?
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