by Martha Kempner

A few weeks ago the television show Private Practice,  a spin-off of Grey’s Anatomy that is so heavy on the soap opera aspect and light on the medicine that it can barely be called a medical drama, began a story line where the teenage daughter of two of the main characters started getting into trouble.   In one episode her mother comes home early to find Maya fooling around on the couch with a boy, even though they were both supposed to be in school at that moment.  Her mother exploded at her for the kissing part, told her she was going to kill her, and shipped her off to live with her father.   I was distressed that teen sex was the enemy,  when clearly the real problem in that moment was that they were cutting school. 

So, two weeks later when it was revealed that Maya was pregnant, I was quite concerned about how the show’s writers were going to handle this plotline.  As I mentioned in my Pregnancy Pact blog, television  doesn’t have a great track record when it comes to sexuality issues.  

I was almost pleasantly surprised by the outcome. The writers made the bold decision to focus the episode on abortion and whether this 15-year-old should terminate her pregnancy.  The show has actually discussed abortion before;  regular viewers know that Maya’s mother, Naomi, who is a fertility doctor, is opposed to abortion for religious reasons and that two other main characters, Addison and Violet, have had abortions. 

As the drama unfolds, Naomi throws her own convictions away, decides her daughter should have an abortion, and essentially makes the decision for her.  Though she agrees to have the abortion, Maya is clearly not sure what she really wants and there is a nice scene between her and Addison, who is both her mother’s best friend and the gynecologist performing the procedure, in which they discuss some of the finer points of the debate.   Maya says that she has been taught by her mother that life begins at conception and that abortion is wrong and asks what Addison thinks.  Addison explains that many people agree with Naomi but that others like her believe that life does not begin until the baby can live outside of its mother’s  body.  She goes on to say that the most important thing is that this is a choice and that many women have fought long and hard to make sure that it’s Maya’s choice and nobody else’s.  The scene is cut short, but we learn later that Maya decided not to have the procedure.

While many TV shows and movies have touched on teen pregnancy of late, few of them have been brave enough to tackle this very polarizing issue.  And even fewer let their main characters have strong opinions. 

In truth, though, this episode was as much about parenting as it was about abortion.  The real main character of the episode was Naomi who,  I think all viewers will agree, dealt poorly with the news of her daughter’s pregnancy.  Upon hearing it,  she announced that she couldn’t handle this and marched out the room.  She later returned to order her daughter to have the abortion despite her belief that she will be going to Hell for having done so.   While it was interesting to watch her struggle with her own moral dilemma, it was sad to watch her be so harsh and unsupportive of her daughter who seemed in desperate need of her mommy.   She literally turns her back on her child in scene after scene.  After Maya decided not to have the abortion, Naomi pulled her into one quick and curt hug and then walked away yet again. 

As the mother of a daughter, the episode forced me to think about what I would do if, despite my best efforts,  my own child came home pregnant at 15, 16, 17, or even 20.  I know, based on my  values and what I would have done in a similar situation,  what I would want for her.  Still, even at 15 she will be her own person with rights to her body.  

Obviously, as parents our first priority is helping to keep our kids safe and that includes helping them prevent unintended pregnancy.  We have to talk to them about our values when it comes to sex as teens.  And, we have to arm them with the information they need about birth control for when they do become sexually active.   It would have been good, for example, if Naomi had taken the couch incident  as a teachable moment in which she acknowledged that fooling around with a boy is a perfectly normal thing to want to do and discussed the positives and negatives of sexual behavior for teens and the importance of protection  (before punishing her for the obvious transgression of cutting school, of course).
Still, as parents we do have to prepare for the what ifs.  And, it can be helpful to think about these ahead of time, before being faced with that moment in which anger, disappointment, and fear might very well eclipse rationality.  What would you want for your daughter?  How would you explain it to her?  What would you do if she disagreed?  We can’t ever really be prepared for something with this much potential to be life-changing, but, thinking about it ahead of time certainly can’t hurt.  

Last night, my daughter (who by the way is only 3 ½) told me that mommies were for three things:  when things are ouchy, to give you candy, and when things are scary.  An unintended pregnancy is certainly scary and I would hope that in that moment above all I could still be the mommy she needed.