By Kate Stewart

Soon after my second daughter was born I started thinking about all those things I would need to teach my children. First, you have the basics – walking, talking, etc. As they get older you teach them to read, to cross the street, to tie their shoe laces and – about sex.

Sex. As most of my friends know we have made it a priority in our house to make sure we talk openly with our daughters about sex. But that doesn’t mean it is always easy or comes naturally. As with most things they don’t tell you when you have children, some days it is easy and you have all the answers and then there are days you just wish you could go to the bathroom by yourself.

Back to sex. My own upbringing fell pretty short in talking about sex. I remember my first period in 7th grade. I was at a Saturday matinee of The Outsiders. As Ponyboy and the other young stars struggled to make sense of their lives, I got horrible cramps and suddenly realized I had a stain on my pants. Thank god for the older sister of a friend who promptly gave me a tutorial on menstruation and how to use a tampon – that was a bit of shocker. When I told my mom the only response was that she would buy more maxi pads.  Whenever I had my period my grandmother would refer to it as “the girlfriend.”

The only advice I remember receiving about sex was from my grandmother who, upon meeting my college boyfriend, pulled me aside and told me my body was a temple.  And even if I knew what she was talking about, it was a little too late for that talk. 

Somehow I was lucky. I survived my teenage years and escaped an unplanned pregnancy or an STI. Some of the girls I knew were not so lucky and in some cases it was painful and heartbreaking for them and their families.

As I look at my two daughters growing up, I tell myself I will not leave their health and happiness up to luck. They are going to know how to protect themselves and as they get older – much, much older –  hopefully have happy sex lives.

So, not having much to go on from my own childhood, when I started out on the quest to find the best ways to talk about sex with small children, I conferred with other friends with older children and one suggested a great book. I quickly ordered it on Amazon and, in fact, ordered 10 copies because I also thought my friends might find it helpful.

Well as my yoga teacher says every Sunday morning “take a comfortable seated position and find your place of balance.” So I opened the book and loved the first few pages. It was terrific – clear, great pictures – I was so happy. But then I came to the middle of the book where the authors decided to talk about the parents having intercourse in many different positions including on a skateboard. I fell out of my comfortable seated position and lost my balance. The book went up on a top shelf along with the nine other copies I had purchased for friends. I still had time. My daughters are still babies I told myself.

Well, it didn’t take long before my oldest asked where babies came from and simply telling her “mommies” did not cut it anymore. So down came the book and we looked through it and discussed the pictures and what happens with sperm and the egg. I let my daughter go at her own pace through the book. As we approached the middle I skipped the pages I was uncomfortable with and continued the book. My daughter didn’t realize we skipped pages and I breathed a little easier – though I did admonish myself for being a chicken.

So even though I have a bag made out of condoms and we talk about penises and vaginas in our house instead of using cute nicknames, I still have places outside my comfort zone.  I try hard not to let them interfere with my teaching my daughters what they need to know so I push myself. I keep the book and show it to them and someday may be I will even show them the middle pages. But we have lots of books and the most important thing is that we talk and they get straight talk from their parents. We tell them age-appropriate information and we listen. I know there are going to be many times in the future as my daughters grow that I will fall out of my comfort zone but that’s ok because I would rather be a bit uncomfortable but know my daughters are happy and healthy.  So you don’t have to walk around with a condom bag. You can take it slowly. A step at a time. That is how we all taught our kids to walk and so far they do a good job at that.

Here are some tips from the Advocates’ website to help you find your comfort zone when talking to your kids about sex:

1. Acquire a broad foundation of factual information from reliable sources. Remember that sexuality is a much larger topic than sexual intercourse. It includes biology and gender, of course, but it also includes emotions, intimacy, caring, sharing, and loving, attitudes, flirtation, and sexual orientation as well as reproduction and sexual intercourse.
2. Learn and use the correct terms for body parts and functions. If you have difficulty saying some words without embarrassment, practice saying these words, in private and with a mirror, until you are as comfortable with them as with non-sexual words. For example, you want to be able to say "penis" as easily as you say "elbow."
3. Think through your own feelings and values about love and sex. Include your childhood memories, your first infatuation, your values, and how you feel about current sex-related issues, such as contraceptives, reproductive rights, and equality with regard to sex, gender, and sexual orientation. You must be aware of how you feel before you can effectively talk with youth.
4. Talk with your child. Listen more than you speak. Make sure you and your child have open, two-way communication—as it forms the basis for a positive relationship between you and your child. Only by listening to each other can you understand one another, especially regarding love and sexuality, for adults and youth often perceive these things differently.
5. Don't worry about—
   • Being "with it." Youth have that with their peers. From you, they want to know what you believe, who you are, and how you feel.
   • Being embarrassed. Your kids will feel embarrassed, too. That's okay, because love and many aspects of sexuality, including sexual intercourse, are highly personal. Young people understand this.
   • Deciding which parent should have this talk. Any loving parent or caregiver can be an effective sex educator for his/her children.
   • Missing some of the answers. It's fine to say that you don't know. Just follow up by offering to find the answer or to work with your child to find the answer. Then do so.

Read other blogs from the Birds and the Bees.