By Elizabeth Merck, Manager of Individual Giving
Last month I was giving my two-and-a-half-year-old daughter a bath when she pointed to her chest and said, “Mommy, what’s that?” I looked down and noticed that she was pointing to her nipples. Curiosity shone in her eyes.
“Those are your nipples,” I said, after taking a deep breath.
“Nipples,” she repeated with a smile. Then her brow creased, and she looked up at me again. “What’s those?” she questioned.
Clearly, she was asking what nipples were used for much like she’d ask about a pair of scissors or a bottle of hairspray. But how do you explain nipples to a two-year-old in a way that’s both accurate and comprehensible?
“Well,” I began. “Your nipples will grow into breasts when you get older. Eventually, you’ll have breasts like mommy. That’s what happens to girls.” After a moment had passed, I added, “Do you understand?”
“I’m a big girl,” she said, nodding her head up and down. Then she proceeded to change the subject by playing with her bath bubbles.
“Yes, you are,” I smiled. “You’re getting to be a very big girl.”
For the remainder of the day, I couldn’t stop thinking about our little exchange. As a parent, I cherish teachable moments like this one no matter how challenging or uncomfortable they may be. I was proud of my daughter for learning something new, and I was proud of myself for the way I handled the inquiry. Who knew sex education started so early?
Later that week, I told my mother the story. However, I didn’t get the reaction that I anticipated. At the word “nipple,” my mother’s eyes widened, she put her hand over her mouth, and proceeded to giggle like a school girl. She couldn’t believe that I taught my daughter that word. She also informed me that her granddaughter had asked her the same question the week before.
“I ignored her,” my mother said.
At that moment, a mix of emotions washed over me. I felt sad, angry, and confused. Why didn’t she tell me that my daughter asked her that question? Why did she ignore her? And why was she giggling about the word “nipple?” Then I thought back to my childhood.
I was eleven when I first got my period, and my mother responded by crying. Not good tears. I think I even remember her exclaiming with her fists raised in the air, “I knew this was going to happen!”
Shortly thereafter, my father bought me a book about sexual development. He loved to read, and I have no doubt that the book was his way of insisting not only that I should begin to learn about my body, but that “reading is fundamental.” My mother was outraged by the purchase and responded by hiding the book from me (but don’t worry, I found it).
My mom referred to penises as “dinkies” (definitely a laughable word) and would only point “down there.” There was no parent-child communication about sex at all. In fact, I never asked her anything about sex because, well, I just never felt like she knew the answers. Perhaps that was her strategy.
Sex aside, my mom has always been a great mom. And now she’s a wonderful grandmother. But I realized at that moment that she and I needed to do some child-parent communication.
I essentially sat down with my mother and discussed the following:
- I want her to play a role in shaping my daughter’s life. According to a 2002 AARP study, grandparents share a variety of roles with parents, including “teaching children values, entertaining children, and listening to their problems.”
- Its my goal to be an “askable ” parent. But, because there’s going to come a time when my daughter might not want to talk to me or might have questions for another adult, it’s important to me that my mother be approachable as well.
- According to the same AARP study, 24% of grandparents surveyed had discussed sex with their grandchildren. If my daughter asks a question about human development, I’d like her to be provided with an age-appropriate, truthful answer. If my mother doesn’t feel comfortable answering the question, she should at the very least acknowledge it and say “let’s talk to mommy about that.”
I also recognize that there may be a point in the future when my mother will find it difficult to communicate with me about her grandchild. I found some great resources for grandparents. One is called the Diplomatic Guide for Grandparents, which can be found on WebMD. The other is “Hints for Communicating with Adult Children About Your Grandchildren ” by Susan Adcox.
Talking to children about sex isn’t easy for parents or grandparents, but the more intergenerational communication that happens around this issue the better. The more consistent the messages about sexual development, teen pregnancy, and sexually transmitted infections the better. Maybe then we can really start to change the sexual culture in this country to move away from embarrassment and shame and toward healthy acceptance of being human.
(Parents – if you could use some tips yourself about what to expect in your child’s early years and communicating with them about their bodies, check out “Growth and Development Ages 0-3: What Parents Need to Know” and the rest of the articles in the Parents Sex Ed Center. > Read other blogs from the Birds and the Bees.
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