By Debra Hauser, Executive Vice President

My son was about 12 years old when I picked him up from a neighborhood basketball court one summer’s day.  “How was the game?”  I asked as he flopped into the car.  “Fun,” he responded.  “We played Smear the Queer.”

My reaction was instantaneous. “I beg your pardon?! You played what!?!” 

“Smear the Queer.  What’s the matter?  It is just a game, mom.”  Came the response, complete with eye roll.

“It is not just a game.  What if it were called Screw the Jew?  Would it be just a game then?”  I asked my soon to be Bar Mitzvah’d son.

In many ways, we are all to blame for what happened to Carl and the thousands of others like him that find themselves the victims of anti-gay bullying.   Homophobia and transphobia course insidiously through our society. We laugh politely when told a gay joke, turn a blind eye when our kids use anti-gay slurs in jest, and fail to speak out against hateful rhetoric in our families, houses of worship, and schools.  As a result, we perpetuate a culture in which our kids think it acceptable to casually tease, insult or taunt their peers with anti-gay language. They may think it harmless, but the impact is devastating. 
 
Nearly 9 out of 10 gay youth report being verbally harassed at school because of their sexual orientation.  Those who are even perceived as gay or transgender are often bullied unmercifully.  One result is that straight, gay and transgender youth are forced to look and act in ways that conform to their peers’ norms regarding heterosexuality and gender expression.  Those who don’t, risk harassment and even violence.  Last year, a middle school student named Lawrence King was shot to death in a California classroom by a peer, allegedly because of his sexual orientation and gender expression.

We cannot allow our children to bully others with anti-gay slurs whether they are said in jest or with mal-intent.  Smear the Queer isn’t “just a game.”  It is deadly serious.

As parents we have an obligation to educate our children—to teach them to celebrate diversity and to root out prejudice. From early on we can educate them about sexual orientation and gender identity, introduce them to people who are openly gay or transgender, and assure them that whether they themselves are gay, straight or transgender we love them equally and are proud to be their parents.

If you think you are behind in talking with your children about this issue, then use the memory of Carl Joseph Walker Hoover to propel you forward.  Tell them his story.  Express the senselessness of his death.  Ask your children about bullying at their schools. Listen carefully to their thoughts about the causes and consequences.  Ask them how they would feel if they were/are the target of such remarks?  Find out what they would do if they saw someone else being bullied. 

If you hear your child (or his/her friends) use terms such as, “that’s so gay” or “don’t be so gay” stop him/her immediately and explain why this language is unacceptable.  Talk to them about the power of words.  Personalize the issue by making a connection to the people they know who are gay. Draw connections between homophobia/transphobia and other types of prejudice. Help them to recall a time when they were the target of teasing. 

Model good behavior! Become a vocal ally yourself by speaking out against homophobia and transphobia whenever you encounter it.

Finally, help your child to build the skills to intervene when he/she sees harassment or hears others being bullied.  By being brave enough to stand up for someone that is being victimized, your child may prevent another Carl Joseph Walker Hoover from feeling so desperate that he takes his own life.  Further, by being open about this topic with your children, you send the message that it is ok for your kids to talk to you should they have questions about their own sexual orientation or gender identity or if they are being victimized by anti-gay bullying.

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