There's No Place Like Home … for Sex Education 

Newsletter #1: Share Your Wisdom

Adolescence is not a disease. It is a time of explosive growth and development at many levels. Love and patience are tested to the limits. Teens are like chameleons: one day wise, mature and responsible; the next day inappropriate in their behavior, lacking in sound judgment.

Not a particularly good time for sex to enter the picture. Yet, at this stage, it sometimes does. Studies show that about half of all 17-year-olds have had sexual intercourse. Typical, everyday kids: from all social, economic and religious backgrounds. Just like the kids next door. Just like your kids.

Maybe you should talk.

OK, so it's hard. You acknowledge that, and go on. What do you say? It's up to you. You're the expert when it comes to your family values and beliefs around sexuality. You may need help gathering your ideas or forming the words. But you do know what to say. Look into your heart. What messages do you have for your children? What do you wish for them?

As you consider this, remember some of the BIG items on the minds of 16- and 17-year-olds:

What's wrong with teens having sex as long as they're responsible?

You might suggest that responsibility goes far beyond preventing pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Many believe sex is for marriage, or at least for the adult years. Parents need to share their beliefs about this with their children. Whether or not the kids agree, it still needs to be said.

You might explain that most teens aren't emotionally ready for the intense impact intercourse can have on a relationship. Sexual activity begun in the teen years usually results in more partners over time. Ask your teen to imagine the emotional effects of repeated break ups of relationships that include intercourse. Add to this that more partners equal greater risk of exposure to STIs.

Parents know many reasons why even "responsible" teens are better off delaying sex until they're older. Share those reasons with your teen.

How can you tell if you're really in love?

Talk about the difference between love and sex. Sexual attraction creates powerful feelings which may be mistaken for love. The passion of the moment can be overwhelming. People are "swept away," often with unfortunate results.

Love takes time and work. It's about respecting each other; sharing and communicating; wanting to be together; love is supportive and honors agreements; it doesn't pressure or coerce; it doesn't take advantage. Love may or may not include sex.

Teens get confused. They live with a language that calls "having sex" "making love," regardless of the relationship. They presume being "turned on" is the same as being "in love," and is therefore a justification for "making love." Nobody has bothered to explain the difference!

Explain the difference to your teen. S/he may say, "Come on, I already know this stuff!" Be persistent. Say something like, "I know you do, but bear with me, ok? I'm checking in to be sure I've got it straight."

At some point your child will be making choices about sex. Regardless of when that happens, it's important s/he have a clear understanding of issues like sex, love, infatuation, attraction, etc.

Maybe you should talk.

Newsletter #2: The Abortion Issue

Each year approximately 1.3 million abortions occur in the U.S.; about 1/3 to teens.

Abortion is an intense, emotionally charged issue. Individual views are affected by deeply held religious convictions, personal values, life experiences, etc. Your teenager would welcome and benefit from your willingness to explore with them the facts, feelings and controversy around the issue.

Be thoughtful and accurate with your information. Misrepresenting facts in an effort to sway opinion one way or another is a disservice to teens. Discussion about abortion should not be seen as a debate, or an attempt to challenge or change another's values.

Rather it is an opportunity to share information and personal ideas and to explore the complexities of the issue. It's an opportunity to listen as well as talk.

Abortion a powerful social issue which is likely to affect your children, personally, at some point in their lives. They may confront that decision themselves one day, or a friend, loved one, or family member may face that decision. Certainly the more informed your children are, the more they can be of support, regardless of whether they agree with the ultimate choice. It's likely that within their lifetime, your children will be called upon to vote on an abortion-related measure. They will want to be informed.

Family discussion about abortion presents an ideal opportunity to address a vital, underlying issue: unintended and crisis pregnancies.Help your teenager appreciate the importance of pregnancy prevention.

The concept of planning for parenthood embodies the belief that children are important … certainly important enough to be consciously and carefully planned. Children are far too special to allow them to happen by chance. Yet we see hundreds of thousands of teenagers in this country becoming pregnant by chance … having babies by chance …

Issues such as abortion, unplanned pregnancies, pregnancy prevention, etc., are no doubt challenging to discuss with your teenager. And it's essential that you do so.

Date/Acquaintance Rape

If your 1lth grader is becoming more interested in relationships and dating, now's a good time to discuss yet another difficult issue: date rape. Statistics tell us that 70 to 90% of all rape victims were either dating or at least acquainted with the rapist. One third of the victims were teenagers.

A few pointers to share with your teens:

• Say what you mean—strongly and clearly.
• Set limits before any sexual expression takes place—even kissing.
• You can say "no" at any point.
• "No" means "no", not "maybe."
• No one "owes" sex to a date.
• Trust your feelings.
• Avoid being alone with someone you don't know well.
• Beware of a date who doesn't take "no" for an answer on other issues.
• It is NEVER ok to force any sexual behavior on someone.

In addition to these important messages, there are excellent resources to share with your teen:

[Note: To order one of the books, simply click on the "click here to purchase this book" link. You will be taken to Amazon.com, where you'll be able to purchase the book you selected. Advocates for Youth will receive a five percent royalty from the sale.]

Newsletter #3: You Need To Talk

Even families which openly discuss sexuality often see a decline in the amount of discussion as children get older. Perhaps it's that the issues are more complex and value-laden. Teen pregnancy, premarital sex, birth control, sexually transmitted infections, sexual orientation … not knowing quite what to say or how to say it, parents often avoid the subject.

Parents may mistakenly believe that by their junior or senior year, kids pretty much know what they need to about sex. Nothing could be further from the truth!

At best, this can lead to confused, misinformed youth, and at worst, sexually active, sexually illiterate youth at risk of pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections and exposure to HIV.

"HIV?" you say, "Surely teenagers don't need to be that concerned about HIV and AIDS … unless they're gay or injection drug users."

WRONG. Interestingly enough, that's the same misconception many teens have. Let's clear it up for you and for them. By grade 11, your teenager needs the following information about HIV/ AIDS:

1. AIDS is caused by a virus called HIV (human immunodeficiency virus). A person infected with HIV can pass the virus to another during unprotected vaginal or anal sex; by sharing needles (used for injecting drugs, steroids, vitamins) and possibly through oral sex.
2. HIV can be passed from an infected mother to her baby during pregnancy, delivery or breastfeeding.
3. HIV has been contracted through transfusions with infection blood or blood products. However, since 1985 all donated blood and blood products are screened for the virus, so the risk is very, very small. HIV is not contracted by donating blood.
4. Currently there is no cure for AIDS. Medications can greatly help some HIV+ people, but not all … and they are not a cure.
5. Even with no obvious symptoms, an infected person can still pass the virus.
6. HIV infection can be prevented. Abstaining from sex and needle sharing is the surest way. If a person has vaginal, anal or oral sex, the more sexual partners, the greater the risk; it's important to know the sexual history of any sexual partner; anyone who has engaged in unsafe sex practices should not be considered a safe partner; correct and consistent use of latex condoms offers great protection against infection. (discuss the correct way to use a condom, ', ', ', ', ', ', ', ', ', ', ', ', ', ', ', ', ', ', ');
7. Sharing razors, needles or piercing and tattooing instruments is risky.
8. HIV is not spread by casual contact. It's safe to hug and touch an HIV+ person, share food, utensils, towels, etc. with them; you're not in danger if an HIV+ person coughs or sneezes on you; HIV is spread only through infected blood, semen, vaginal fluids or breast milk.

Contact your local Planned Parenthood or local health department for updated HIV/AIDS information.

[Note: To order one of the books, simply click on the "click here to purchase this book" link. You will be taken to Amazon.com, where you'll be able to purchase the book you selected. Advocates for Youth will receive a five percent royalty from the sale.]
Difficult? Sure. Embarrassing? You bet. But no one has ever literally "died" of embarrassment. People—teenagers—have died, literally, from AIDS.

You need to talk.

Newsletter #4: Nurturing Self Esteem

Don't be fooled by the adult-like packaging or independence of your high school junior. In later adolescence, hormones move toward equilibrium, self-concept gains more solid ground, and maturity seems possible after all! Appreciate the progress, and remember that 11th graders are still in the thick of adolescence.

There are fluctuations—one day self-assured, insightful, responsible; the next, childish, self-centered, temperamental. These flip-flops cause confusion and frustration for all. Add to this the pressures, expectations, unknowns of the high school years—you see how your teen's self-esteem might need repairs.

The powerful influence of self-concept cannot be overstated. Teens who feel good about themselves are more likely to make positive decisions—about school, friends, relationships, sex, drugs—whatever! The parent's role in nurturing a child's self-esteem is critical.

This is not about pumping up your kids, or heaping empty praise on them. It's not about comparing your child to others: "I think you're better than … stronger than … smarter than …" This level of "support" won't serve to build true self-esteem. To be of real assistance, help your child acknowledge personal value, abilities and strengths.

Ask your teen to complete the following: "I like myself because …" S/he is to talk for a full minute, listing as many reasons as s/he can. Then, you feed back what you heard: "You like yourself because …"

Don't be surprised if your teen feels self-conscious or runs out of things to say before time is up. You may find yourself prompting, even adding items not mentioned by your child. They may be qualities you value in your child that s/he overlooks or doesn't believe are so. Discuss why self-acknowledgment/appreciation is uncomfortable … and why it's so important.

Adolescence can at times be brutal on a young person's self-concept. Point out the growth you've noticed. When a reprimand is in order, focus on the behavior as unacceptable, not the person.Tell your child often, "I love you."

Help your teen process negative comments. Your daughter's friend says, "Dana, you jerk! You never keep your eye on the ball." Teach Dana to turn it around and say what's really true: "My concentration may not be as good today as it usually is. That doesn't make me a jerk."

Your child may find it awkward to practice correcting negative comments, but it's important. The more we quietly accept negative comments and personal slams, the more we come to hold them as true.

Help your teenager deal with disappointments in ways that promote learning and acceptance. if your son doesn't get the lead in the school play, acknowledge his hurt and commend his effort. Help him plan for improving his skills.

Urge your child to repeat image building statements (affirmations) everyday, such as: "I'm successful." "I like myself." "I have a good attitude."

Work with your child to set short term goals at which s/he can be successful; give him/her the freedom to make decisions, take on responsibilities, make mistakes … and process the results of each. With each success comes higher self-esteem. And with higher self-esteem comes greater opportunity for a positive, fulfilling life.

Not a bad idea to promote to your kids.

Newsletter #5: Yet Another Challenge

As usual, you checked the pockets of Mike's pants before washing them. This time you found a condom. Rushing off for school, Sara dropped her purse and out fell a brochure marked Planned Parenthood Teen Birth Control Clinic.

How do parents respond to the suspicion that their 17-year-old might be having sex? What should they do? And not do?

First: breathe … slowly, deeply … taking time to move beyond the shock, anger—whatever the initial, gut reaction is. Don't attempt a discussion when you're upset.

Consider the facts: Mike has a condom. Is it to use or for show to impress his peers? The telltale "O" imprinted on a young man's wallet or back pocket is considered a mark of sexual experience. How much truth there is in that is anybody's guess.
And the brochure listing teen clinic services, hours, cost … maybe Sara got it in class the day a guest speaker talked about teen pregnancy. Maybe it's for a writing assignment. Or … maybe Sara is having sex.

If you ever face this dilemma, don't leap to conclusions, but don't ignore the situation either. Take time to identify what you know vs. what you suspect. This lets you calm yourself, gather your thoughts, and do what must come next: talk with your teen.

Both parents (if possible) should first agree on the messages they want to present. Then share your suspicions and concerns—honestly—with your teen. Emphasize the values, attitudes and expectations you hold about teens and sex. Ask your teenager what s/he believes, and take those opinions to heart—even though you may disagree.

If your suspicions are correct, avoid comments like "I'm crushed!" or "How could you do this?" Blame, guilt, etc., are damaging. Focus on the behavior. If you think teen sex is inappropriate or unwise or risky, say that—or whatever you believe. This is far different from condemning the child.

Ultimately teens make their own decisions about sex. Parents can only do their best to inform, offer guidance and share values. If your teen is sexually active, ask that s/he examine the reasons and circumstances surrounding that choice. Discuss the relationship and level of commitment. Why has sex become part of it? Is there pressure for sex? Does s/he see any drawbacks? Explore possible implications. Consistently reaffirm that you love and support your child even if you disagree with the behavior.

Resist the urge to forbid your teenager to see his/her partner again. Rarely effective, this merely drives their relationship underground. Ultimatums and threats breed resentment, anger, resistance—none of which serve the most important purpose: keeping communication open so you can help your child make wise decisions.

Though they may not approve of the behavior, parents still have a responsibility to help children deal with the choice to be sexually active. Information is critical—about the emotional consequences and risks, about pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections, contraception … just as the sharing of feelings and values is critical.

In the end, your teen may continue to be sexually active. Then again, s/he may see the value of your arguments and choose to reconsider. Either way, the sharing and guidance which is so essential to your child's well-being can continue only if open communication is maintained. Concentrate on that goal, and you just might be amazed at the results.

© 2003. Authored by Mary Gossart. Spanish translation by Bojana Stefanovska. Reprinted with permission of Planned Parenthood Health Services of Southwestern Oregon, 1670 High Street, Eugene, Oregon 97401. Web site: http://www.pphsso.org/.