A Lesson Plan from Creating Safe Space for GLBTQ Youth: A Toolkit

Purpose: To learn the differences between assertive, aggressive, and passive communication. To learn to choose the most appropriate communication style when confronting homophobia and transphobia

Materials: Newsprint and markers; paper, pens, and pencils

Time: 45 minutes

Planning notes:

• In teaching youth to be assertive, facilitators also need to teach them to assess situations and to consider their personal safety. In some situations, being assertive can be dangerous. For example, if someone has a weapon, has been drinking or taking drugs, or is extremely angry, being assertive with that person may be neither wise nor safe.
• When you introduce the topic, remember that some cultures do not consider it appropriate for women to communicate assertively. Attitudes about assertiveness may vary widely among participants, depending on their cultural background. In particular, some young people come from families that have taught them that it is inappropriate for them to speak up assertively and/or that refusing a request, especially from an adult, is unacceptable. While you do not want to encourage teens to communicate regularly in ways that could have unpleasant consequences for them in their cultural and family circles, all young people need to understand that situations may arise in which assertive behavior will protect them and others. For example, youth benefit when they learn to resist pressure from romantic partners or peers to do something that they do not want to do, such as have sex, use alcohol, join a gang, or cause harm to another. In such circumstances, young people can stand up for themselves, assert their own dignity and rights, and also resist pressure to do something that they do not want to do or that is bad for them or for others.
• Assertive, aggressive, and passive forms of communication are sometimes defined culturally and regionally. Before the session begins write the general definitions of assertive, aggressive and passive communication on newsprint or on the board:
  • Passive Communication: not expressing your own feelings or saying nothing.
  • Aggressive communication: asking for what you want or saying how you feel in a threatening, sarcastic, or humiliating way.
  • Assertive Communication: asking for what you want or saying how you feel in an honest and respectful way that does not infringe on another person's safety, dignity, or well-being.
• Also write the following five questions on newsprint for use in small groups (Step 5):
  • How will Kai feel after responding as you said?
  • How will the other youth feel if Kai responds as you said?
  • What is the worst possible outcome?
  • What is the best possible outcome?
  • What else could Kai have done?

Procedure:

1. Tell the group that today's activity is about communication and action, that when people witness discrimination or harassment, they often react in one of three ways—passively, assertively, or aggressively. Ask the students to define each category of communication, but do not show them the definitions yet.
2. Tell them that you are going to read them a situation and you want them to think about how they would react if the situation happened to them.
3. Read the following scenario aloud:
   
   Kai is a fairly new student, having only attended this high school for a few months. However, in that time, Kai has made some friends, particularly a girl named Tamara. Today, Tamara was "outed" by her own sister. Tamara's sister is in the grade above Tamara and Kai, and she told everyone that Tamara is lesbian. Tamara is very upset. People are acting very hostile to her in the hallways. She turns to her good friend, Kai, for support. She tells Kai that she needs to know that Kai still likes her and will be her friend. Other youth stop, surrounding Kai and Tamara; they tell Kai to drop Tamara. They call her a dyke and taunt her. Kai does not know what to do because Kai is Asian and from a culture that teaches that homosexuality is unnatural. What should Kai do?
4. Ask each participant to quietly write a few sentences describing what Kai should do. Allow about three minutes. Then ask participants to form three groups, based on the following criteria:
   
   Group 1: All who wrote something that reflects a belief that Kai should be passive (for example, just stand there and say nothing) please move to this end of the room.
   
   Group 2: All who wrote something that reflects a belief that Kai should react aggressively (for example, start shouting angrily at the other youth) stand over here.
   
   Group 3: All who wrote something that reflects a belief that Kai should react assertively (for example, speak up calmly, expressing support for Tamara and talking about homophobia and how it hurts everyone) form a group in the middle.
5. Once the three groups have formed, display the questions you have prepared and go over instructions for the remainder of the activity. Ask each group to discuss the answers you wrote up on newsprint. Note: If there is only one person standing in one of the three groups, join that person to form a group and discuss the questions together.
6. Allow five to ten minutes for discussion in the three groups. Now ask everyone to return to the large group. Ask one participant from each group to share the group's response to the questions. Record the major points on the board or newsprint under the relevant label: passive, aggressive, assertive.
   
   Note: If the group has not made the following points, assist them by adding from the following:
   
   Passive response: Communicating passively means not expressing your own feelings, or expressing them so weakly that they are not heard. If Kai behaves passively (such as by standing there and saying nothing), Kai will probably feel very angry with everyone. A passive response is usually not in your best interest because it allows other people to violate your rights and others' rights. Yet there are times when being passive may be the most appropriate response (such as when the other person has a weapon or is high on drugs). It is important to assess whether a situation is dangerous and, if it might be, to choose the response most likely to keep you and others safe.
   
   Aggressive response: Communicating aggressively means asking offensively for what you want and saying how you feel in a threatening, sarcastic, or humiliating way. If Kai calls the other API youth names or threatens them, it probably won't end in the desired outcome (more understanding and support for Tamara) and it could make the situation escalate into violence. An aggressive response is not usually in your best interest because it often causes hostility and can lead to increased conflict.
   
   Assertive response: Communicating assertively means asking for what you want or saying how you feel in an honest and respectful way that does not infringe on another person's safety, dignity, or well-being and does not make the other person feel disrespected. If Kai simply says, "Tamara is my friend. She is exactly the same person she was before we knew that she is lesbian. She deserves our friendship and support because she is a great friend and a fine person. Hating people because of their sexual orientation doesn't make any sense; it's not a choice, just like our eye color or family heritage is not a choice. Please don't ask me to turn my back on a friend." This is not a disrespectful statement. It is an assertion of the facts. Kai can be proud of standing up for a friend and for what is right. Other youth may also begin to express support for Tamara and for fair treatment for everyone. But even if they don't, Kai has stated what is fair, has made a direct request, and can feel confident and safe.
7. Conclude with the Discussion Questions below.

Discussion Questions:

1. What are some ways that someone might express him/herself without being directly aggressive or assertive? (Possible answers include, but are not limited to: talking sarcastically under one's breath; using body language that communicates one's disgust and frustration; telling people nearby about how one feels, but loudly enough that the people who made one angry can overhear. Behaviors like these are called passive-aggressive behaviors. This means showing an aggressive response but in a way that lowers the immediate risk of conflict. A passive aggressive response is not in your best interests. It will fail to achieve what you want, because you haven't spoken directly to the other individual(s) involved, and it can heighten resentment and may cause conflict or retaliation, when the others hear your comments (or hear about your comments), as they probably will.
2. Can you think of circumstances where passive communication may be in your best interest or the best interest of a friend, even though your needs may not be met?
3. Have you behaved aggressively in some situation? How did it work out? How would things have been different if you had chosen an assertive response?
4. Have you behaved assertively in a situation? How did it work out? How would a passive response have worked out? An aggressive response?
5. How have you felt when you stood up for yourself or a friend? How have you felt when you failed to stand up for yourself or a friend?
6. Are you facing a situation currently where you need to act assertively and have not yet done so? What will you do?

* Adapted from Guide to Implementing TAP (Teens for AIDS Prevention): A Peer Education Program to Prevent HIV and STI (2nd edition), © 2002, Advocates for Youth, Washington, DC.

Reprinted from Creating Safe Space for GLBTQ Youth: A Toolkit, Girl's Best Friend Foundation and Advocates for Youth, © 2005.
Click here to read more lesson plans from Creating Safe Space for GLBTQ Youth: A Toolkit