by Martha Kempner

When I was in eighth  grade, I tried to pass a note to my friend Andrea.  In it, I admitted to wanting to kiss Mike Tuckman – a ninth grade boy in my algebra class who had once deigned to say hello to me.  I don’t know why I put this in note form given that Andrea and I had discussed this particular crush both in person and on the phone ad nauseum, and I kicked myself for having done so for weeks when I realized that the note had never made it all the way to Andrea and I had no idea who had it.  I lived in fear of who had the information about me, what they would do with it, and what Mike would think if he ever did find out (did he even know my name)?

In so many ways, our digital age has upped the ante for teens today.  A note like that is nothing compared to a sext.  If we are to believe the morning news shows, young people are sending each other sexually suggestive pictures and text messages at an alarming rate and we parents should be very worried.  To underscore the fear, these news reports usually turn to a personal story of a girl who had sent her boyfriend or her crush a nude picture of herself only to find that he turns around and sends it to the entire school thereby opening her up to ridicule and rejection and ruining her life in a variety of ways. 

So, in the end, these numbers are really pretty low.  Still, that doesn’t mean that we as parents and educators shouldn’t be concerned by this behavior.  A lot of the stories on sexting have focused on the legal issues (some young people have faced criminal charges based on child pornography laws) and the horror stories (people like Brooke Neilsen whose story was featured on NPR after seemingly private nude pictures of her showering with a female friend were delivered to the vice principal of her high school).   These are legitimate concerns and we certainly should be discussing all of the potential consequences of sexting with our teens – as my husband likes to say “it always ends up on the internet – end of discussion.”

While the numbers are not alarming, what the sexting trend tells us about the sexuality messages young people are hearing and absorbing is distressing.  A few quotes from the Pew study’s focus groups raised red flags for me. 

• “I think it was more common in middle school, because kids are afraid to do face-to-face contact sexually.  In high school, kids, don’t need the pictures.  They’ll just hang out with that person romantically.”

• “If a guy wants to hook up with you, he’ll send a picture of his private parts or a naked picture of him[self].  It happens about 10 times a month…”

• “Yeah it happens a lot, my friends do it all the time, it’s not a big deal.  Sometimes people will get into fights with their exs, and so they will send the nudes as blackmail, but it’s usually when or after you’ve been dating someone.”
  

I know that breaking up is hard to do and that high school break ups can be the very worst.  But let’s face it, the vast majority of high school relationships will end in break ups and teens owe it to their former partners to have some respect for someone they once liked (regardless of how they feel about them now).  
 
So, what is a parent to do about this?  Well, according to the Pew study, policing the behavior is not the answer.  In the study, teens whose parents checked their phones were no more or less likely to receive sexts than their peers who didn’t.

Instead, the answer to this is like the answer to all issues in sexuality; we have to talk to our teens. Start by asking them what they think about sexting (it is always good to start the conversation asking what they think rather than what they’ve done so as not to get off on a defensive foot).  Then help them think critically about it.  It would help if we all start thinking about sexting as we would any other sexual relationship.

 Choosing whether or not to send a sext is like choosing whether or not to engage in any other sexual activity.  Here are some questions that teens can ask themselves before they decide to hit the send button[ii]:

• Who is your partner?  What is your relationship with this person and how will sending a text change that relationship? Do you trust this person?
• Do you feel safe?  When you think about the possible reactions to the sext by the person you’re sending it to and/or other people who might see it, do you feel safe and protected?
• What is your motivation?  Are you sending the sext because you think that it will help you and your partner get closer and express love or desire?  Or is it another unrelated reason like to gain popularity or fit in?
• Is it consensual?   Sending a picture that a former partner sent you in confidence without his or her permission is clearly not consensual  and therefore does not meet the most basic standards for a sexual relationship.
• What does your gut say?  This is my favorite question because I think even as teens we have exceptional gut instincts.  Play out all scenarios -- those that could leave you happy and those that could mortify --- and trust your gut. 
  

I whole-heartedly believe that being a teenager today is not fundamentally different than it was when I was growing up.  At that age, we are all trying to find out who we are and what we want in much the same way.  Still, growing up in an era of sexts and facebook posts (rather than notes written on paper ripped from a spiral notebook) brings with it its own set of challenges.   Even if we have a hard time understanding this new digital world, it is our job as parents to remember that the fundamental feelings and questions are the same.  And the most important thing we can help our teens do is think about it, preferably before they hit the send button.