By Kate Stewart

When our children learned to walk they started by crawling then pulling themselves up and finally taking those first wobbly steps. When they learned to talk they started with simple sounds that eventually formed into words. Reading was the same – recognizing letters and sounds and moving up to simple books.

Our babies did not go to sleep one night and the next day wake up able to run down the street or recite the Gettysburg Address – even though sometimes it feels like these things happen in a blink of an eye.

It is a process -- learning to walk, talk, read, ride a bike – learning how to do just about anything is a process. So it dawned on me that for us to think about one day sitting down and having “the talk” with our kids misses this point completely and also has us missing many opportunities.

It takes baby steps and laying the foundation for a child’s healthy sexual growth begins on day one. I know it sounds strange to think about your tiny baby and how she is already beginning the process of developing sexually. When I first heard someone say that infants, children, teens are all sexual beings, it made me uncomfortable. My first reaction was a mixture of fear and apprehension. But the problem was I was jumping in the deep end without first learning how to do the doggy paddle. Think about it, when you hear the phrase “sexual development” what do you think of? Sex, intercourse, all the things you don’t want your kids doing until they’re 30 and out of the house. But as I said that is jumping in at the deep end.

So, what does sexual development mean when my child is only a year old or two or three?  Well according to the experts, children aged zero to three will:

• Be curious and explore their own body and others' bodies
  
• Experience an erection or vaginal lubrication
  
• Touch their genitals for pleasure
  
• Talk openly about their bodies
  
• Be able to say and understand, when taught, the appropriate names for body parts (head, nose, stomach, penis, vulva, etc.)

Ok I think as I look at the list I can handle these things, mostly. But what am I suppose to do as a parent? This is pretty uncharted territory. The parenting books emphasize singing and talking to babies but what else should I be doing?
Back to the experts: To help children ages zero to three to develop a healthy sexuality, families should:

• Help children feel good about their entire body. Caregivers should name all body parts accurately and convey that the body and its functions are natural and healthy.
  
• Touch and comfort children often to help them understand love and how it can be shared. Meeting children's needs also helps them develop trust.
  
• Help children begin to understand the difference between public and private behaviors and that certain behaviors, such as picking one's nose or touching one's genitals, are private ones.
  
• Teach about anatomical differences between males and females while maintaining that boys and girls are equally special.
  
• Teach children that they can say no to unwanted touch, regardless of who is attempting to touch them, and that they have a right to be respected when they say no.
  
• Describe bodily processes, such as pregnancy and birth, in very simple terms.
  
• Avoid shame and guilt about body parts and functions.

Many of the things on the list come naturally and we are all probably doing or did these many of these -- whew. But who knew this all helped children’s sexual development? And, as we can see each is a baby step. We are not jumping in the deep end but putting our toes in the water.

As our children grow, each stage they go through the issues will become more complex. But if we laid a good foundation than each new stage should be easier to handle – so when our children are four or five, and six to eight we can handle the tougher questions when they come up – topics such as HIV/AIDS, abortion, sexual abuse etc .

By the time kids reach ages nine to 12, the experts tell us most young people:

• Have an emerging sense of self as a young adult
  
• Feel conscious of their sexuality and how they choose to express it
  
• Understand jokes with sexual content
  
• Feel concerns about being normal, such as whether it is normal to masturbate, have wet dreams, etc.
  
• Feel anxious about puberty, when it will happen, how it will occur, how to be prepared, etc.
  
• Feel shy about asking questions of caregivers, especially regarding sexuality, and may act like they already know all the answers
  
• Value privacy highly

Now we have started to swim in deeper waters. Aren’t you glad we started in the shallow end? Because at this stage of the game our job as parents and caregivers is to:

• Help young people understand puberty and the changes they are going through and that these changes, including menstruation and nocturnal emissions (ejaculation), are normal.
  
• Respect young people's privacy while encouraging open communication .
  
• Convey that growth and maturation rates differ from person to person.
  
• Help young people understand that, while they are maturing physically, they still have lots of emotional and cognitive growth ahead and that sexual intercourse is not healthy, appropriate, or wise at this time in their lives.
  
• Acknowledge that abstinence is normal and healthy, that sexual development is healthy and natural, and that, as they grow older, there will be many ways to express sexuality that do not include sexual intercourse.
  
• Discuss the important relationship between sexual and emotional feelings.
  
• Be open to conversations about contraception and condoms and respond honestly and accurately when young people ask about them.

And to think this is at age 12. If we followed the old model of having “the talk” we would probably be having it just around this age or later -- seems like we would miss a lot of opportunities. But, if we think about sexual development as a process and start these conversations when our children are young, it will be easier to continue the conversations as they grow up. 

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