Airial Clark, M.A. is a San Francisco Bay Area-based parenting expert and the founder of The Sex-Positive Parent.

It’s a funny thing to hear some parents say, “My kid is never having sex. Ever. Lalalalalala,” and then they put their hands over the ears, shut their eyes and shake their head. It’s especially odd when these parents are comfortable with their own sexuality. These are people who have healthy sexual relationships and enjoy sex. But then, when it comes to educating their own kids, they shut down. It is really difficult to be a sex-negative person while being a sex-positive parent. Unfortunately, it’s very easy to be a sex-positive person while still being a sex-negative parent.

A lot of parents get stuck on how to talk positively about sex without endorsing sexual activity. The assumption is that if we, as parents, talk about how wonderful sex can be, our kids will start to experiment too early, or that they’ll become too knowledgeable for their own good. The fear is also that if we bring up sexuality before our kids are having sex, we’re overstepping a boundary; that we are somehow ruining their innocence. I like to point out that there is a big difference between innocent and ignorance.

Studies have shown over and over that kids who have a comprehensive sexuality education actually have sex at older ages than kids who receive abstinence-only-until marriage education. Note I specified comprehensive; which means not just scare tactics and half-truths. Parents who are honest with their kids about both the highs and the lows of sexuality are doing their children a huge service. It is really important for our kids to be able to get accurate information from an adult who has their best interest in mind. Really, it’s ok to say that sex feels good and that it makes us feel close to people, while at the same time warning them about the potential dangers. We have to prioritize our kids’ sexual health the same way we prioritize their physical and mental health. That is all being a sex-positive parent really means. We acknowledge sexuality as normal and natural and as a lifelong process of discovery.

You can be a sex-positive parent by affirming that everybody has sex. It’s not a weird or secret activity that only bad people do. You can be a sex-positive parent by providing age-appropriate sexuality education materials and offering to answer any questions your child may have about it. You can be a sex-positive parent by not being ashamed of your own sexuality and not demeaning other people’s sexuality in front of your child. So no, you don’t have to share everything you’ve ever done or wanted to do, but you do need to be aware that you are their primary role model when it comes to sexuality. Once you have that awareness, now you get to decide what to do with it. My suggestion is make it a positive experience!